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Hello.

i’m procrastinating.

i love lelean like a fat kid loves cake. woo. ♦

Epic Jumbo Thursday

Today.

Was made of pure AwesomeCakes.

I usually look forward to Thursdays, because a bunch of us finish Music&Philoh class at the same time, so even though Jaymie and I could take the bus home from in front of the school, we always walk with everyone to the metro. There are usually six to eight of us, and it’s just fun to unwind&be silly, even for just a bit.

Today was on a whole other level.

Jaymie&I had been talking about Jumbo pizzas on Tuesday, and by Thursday it was set: We wouldn’t part at the metro, because there would be two Jumbos with our names on it.

Josh, Azeem, Chris, Jaymie, Brad and I, without consulting each other beforehand, all starved ourselves at lunchtime, clutched at our stomachs by last period, but once we all had our jackets on, we were o f f .

We soon found ourselves in front of l’Heure de Pointe, and I won’t go into the details of our conversation, but let me just say that I loved how technical everything got. Just goes to show what dining with pure&applied kids does to you, haha.

Surprisingly enough, I think Azeem was the most excited out of all of us. He couldn’t keep still, and he looked like a kid at Christmas when the parents insist on taking pictures before opening the present, and the camera is being persistently annoying&all the child wants to do is rip the wrapping off in one fell swoop.

Pizza carriers = the Chosen Ones.

Waiting all day for the legendary Jumbo pizza was excruciating, but finally being able to dive into one was exquisite. As Azeem said: “Never has grease tasted so good.” Not a minute would go by without someone commenting on how god-like the food was.

I think we could have done with another Jumbo, but we were perfect with our Italian&spinach. (: Brad and Sasha had to leave, but the rest of us were still craving a little something to fill our stomachs with. I think the pizza was starting to mess with our minds, because Jaymie insisted on buying everyone an ice cream to wash the meal down. So we enjoyed that on the bench, as well as my ‘beautiful gum’ water, ahahaha. Best time I’ve had in a long time, seriously. Can’t wait for the next Jumbo Thursday. <3

Butyl Acetate

Today:
1. What are you doing right now: Daft Punk | One More Time vs Wilco | I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
2. Wearing? peeyamas.
3. Better than yesterday? Yesterday | Cramming, Today | Friendly
4. Did you see the person you like? YES. I like tonz’o people.
5. What’s the weather? Windy and disgusting. D:
2. What’s bothering you right now? The numbering of this quiz.
4. What is in your wallet? CARTE BLANCHE! Ahaha, okayno. NYC pictures, a Digimon card, a couple band-aids, a couple Guzzo dollars… you know how I roll. ;D
5. Wallpaper on your computer’s desktop? Mr. Gendron, the hedgehog Wi&I will one day adopt.
7. Next time you will kiss someone? Yes, a not a moment sooner.
8. Where was your default picture taken? The very back of the 47 AM bus.
10. Life: is, and I hope it never isn’t.
11. House: is a good TV show.
12. Doing this weekend? Work on Saturday. Sunday… prolly schoolwork.
15. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? car rides, summer nights, and Truth.
16. Listening to? Daft Punk | Superhero vs Wilco | I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
18. What do you smell like? Nothing?
19. Eating? Spanish Pasta Sauce plz.
20. On your bed, what is your favorite thing? Ze Monk, Norrington. Or my iHome? No, my sheets. I LOVE MY SHEETS THEY’RE AMAZING&SOFT&AMAZINGLYSOFT. I ouant to go. D:
21. Do you believe in a soulmate? Because I don’t believe in perfection, neither do I believe in a perfect, sole, counterpart. However, I do think there are people who offer a superb blend of ‘polar opposite’ and ‘Oh my god me too!’ to balance someone out. They’re the ones worth the waiting, fighting, and patience.
22. What do you wear to bed? Whatever yer ma let’s me borrow.
23. Do you remember your dreams? Very rarely.
24. Do you burn easily in the sun? I’ve never gotten a sun burn, but I brown very easily.
26. What’s something you wish you could understand better? How this number thing works. Srsly, can I get an amen for inconsistency? | I guess; how different flavors work together. And how to be a better writer?
27. What did you do last weekend? Promised to parent a chocolate egg with someone? LOL
28. Who do you miss? Shannface. A lot. &Oliver.
29. Who is the last girl you hugged? Winsane.
30. Who is the last boy you hugged? Monsieur Jason Glowa.
33. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends? Ooh, mm.
34. Last time you ate a home grown tomato? Last summer. Homegrown > Farmer’s Market > Grocery store.
36. What was the last thing you drank? GingerBeer. ON THE ROCKS BBI.
39. Do you like someone right now? I very much care for someone.
40. What do you wear more, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants? Jeαns .
41. What is the last movie you watched? With who? Hm.
Full movie | Ratatouille, avec Wi
Half movie | Accidental Husband, with Vi
42. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water.
43. What are you excited about? Short term | Thursday walk&talks, Long term | Summer. [AND THE UN3.♥[
44. Do you want someone you can’t have? I don’t think it’s about whether you can ‘have’ someone or not. It’s more about being patient, for when they will need you.
45. Who was last to slap your butt? Farhana, I believe. (Although I did prod Brad&Jaymie’s in Myths today, LOL. Preeeetty sure Jervis saw.)
46. Where was the last place you went? Metro with Josh&Brault.
47. What’s on your mind right now? Gawain, Shann, Lopes.
Also: I can’t wait
         a) to see Winsane again <3
         b) for the Thursday gang
         c) to bump into whatisface.
         d) a jar of amical almonds
48. Have you cried recently? Well, yes, but that hardly counted.
49. Hold hands or kiss? hold.
50. Who’s the first friend that comes to your mind that you miss? Shannon. I wish
51. What else do you miss? La gang de NouilleYorke. Eating breakfast out. Mowing the grass diagonally. Walking to Dix30. Stuffy car air and leather seats in the dead of summer. Good talks. Gym with Christina. Les cours avec Mr. Chassé. Amanda. Les matins à la place d’amitié. Enfinbref, comme dirait Mme.Brissons: revenons à nos moutons.

Chimiecows.

Just came back from waiting at the doctor’s office. And for what?

For nothing.

Because in the end, I waited three hours and a half and payed fifteen dollars to be called a liar and a swindler. I payed to lose time, money, and credibility, and was stuck in a coughing zone and for what? I walked out with even less than I had walking in.

I am sick of not being taken seriously because I am not an adult, but I’m sick of people offering their sympathies because I have gone through shit which has made me older than my age.

I hated that stupid chimie cow doctor the moment she stepped in the room with her ugly blotchyred sweater with the snowflake on it. I thought: “That is an ugly snowflake. We would never be friends in real life.” And when she accused me of lying, it was my turn to grow red. My face flushed like it was an airplane toilet, and I wanted to stare sullenly at her as if I were still four and it was still okay to do such things. Instead, (because I am goddamned grown up) I smiled at her sweetly and tried to explain things.

Whatever.

Don’t want to tell the rest of the story because I am sick of ranting, I am sick of the hunger that no longer exists in my stomach, and I am sick of this mess that is my bedroom.

Maybe if I clean it up, my life will have an order again.

…

If I hear one more raised voice, I am either turning up the music as loud as it will go and having a major cleanfest, or running someplace where I can pretend to be normal.

“gnight poptart.”

What kind of dream is this?

What is this?

I hate our conversations. They don’t go anywhere, anymore. Why? What happened? I’m sad, angry, confused. I didn’t need anything before, but I don’t need what you’re offering. Telling me to piss off? You really think that’s a joke? I don’t need your silences. Your empty words. Somebody pinch me, I want to wake up from this. I. Just. Don’t. Understand.

And suddenly I’m not angry, just… It hurts.

I swore I would never fall again.

At least with Nathan… we still talk. It’s not all the time, it’s not like with you, but… I’m never going to shut you out. It just hurts when you suddenly don’t give a shit. When all I see is a cold shoulder. It makes me wonder… was it all a dream? I can’t even talk to you on msn anymore. How did things turn inside out like this? Did I just suddenly become boring? Lifeless? A paper doll you’ve finished inspecting and want to put back on a shelf?

I’m overreacting.

I know I’m overreacting.

But if it weren’t for what (I thought) we had before…

It.

Just feels like nothing anymore.

LeeLee             says (7:28 PM):
nothing.
I don’t know.
It just feels so distant.
It feels like everything is so distant.
I feel detached from the world
Like the only thing that kept me is velcro
LeeLee             says (7:28 PM):
and now it’s been used and it’s old and it’s not sticking
LeeLee             says (7:29 PM):
and I don’t have a safety harness, I don’t have that  tie  to keep me.
LeeLee             says (7:29 PM):
Olie.
Chuis perdue.
Chuis tellement perdue, et j’ai tellement peur.
olivia         AB(F) says (7:29 PM):
but life is like that. theres no safety harness
LeeLee             says (7:29 PM):
I haven’t felt scared in a really long time.
And I’m scared of feeling scared.

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I was always okay, dealing with my emotions. Even with Nathan, I could handle everything. But he was always there, always online. Maybe not there for me, but always present. When he went missing… that’s when I lost it. But I’m scared of losing this one. Of losing you. If it’s what you want… okay. But what if the ‘we’ is just a pile of sand that happens to slip out of your hand, without a care? How do I know that you meant what you said?

Maybe I should make the trip alone.

I don’t want to do it alone.

Maybe I will have to do it alone.

(D u s t i l         says (7:48 PM):
Yeah but its kinda over
Nothnig more to say when he isnt really trying
LeeLee             says (7:51 PM):
does it hurt? when he doesn’t type back?
D u s t i l      says (7:51 PM):
Not really… theres nothing more to say
its just conversation over.)

It’s funny how Nathan doesn’t always know he’s there for me, when in reality we’re going through the same thing.

Hapa

A great big fat rant on being a zebra.

It’s funny, because I am watching three to five-minute clips on YouTube of this show called ‘Speak Out’, which is a programme I randomly stumbled upon for Filipinos. Every episode, they come up with new debatable topics and

I love it.

I am not ashamed of being a biracial child. Far from it — sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I were not. I cannot remember a specific time in my life where I have questioned that aspect of my identity. If anything, it has been my anchor, something I will always be able to identify myself with. I cannot remember my parents fighting over how to raise my sister and I, because of the different morals and values they believe in. Somehow, it has worked, and I sincerely believe I have gotten the best of both worlds.

At the same time, I have never seen someone’s biraciality questioned like I have on that show. It’s not as if chairs were thrown and water was cast into people’s faces.

But to hear someone who feels like they have to emphasize their Filipino side when they are at a Filipino family gathering — well I can relate to that.

To hear someone tell the story of how their own country — who is so proud of its ethnicity — rejecting them because they’re hapas… it really sucks.

To hear people argue that because you don’t know the native language means you’re not a real Filipino… must I really count the number of times people have asked me why I haven’t “bothered” to learn Mandarin?

Even the role of a dual citizenship was  questioned. Someone in the Filipines was denied from running for president, because he had a dual citizenship and did not want to give up the non-Filipino one. I don’t understand what the big deal is. Even after Obama was elected, people still believe he should be kicked out of the White House because he isn’t a real American. What does it mean to be American? Does it mean you have to be born in the particular country? Or does it mean you uphold the same ideals as them, such as democracy, liberty, freedom, and so on? What does it mean to be Filipino, or Taiwanese? You must love the food. Great, good. But then?

To be told the hapa side of you is not good enough – it is hardly encouraging the person to accept who they are, and be proud of the ethnicity they were born with. Just because someone is trying to improve one side of themselves, does not mean they are rejecting the other. A person can have two favourite colours, can’t they?

It’s funny, because I recently ran into someone I used to go to high school with. As soon as I started talking, she immediately interrupted me and asked me if I had always had an accent. It kind of just hit me that less than a year before, I would have felt so weird ‘using my British accent in public’, when I now feel weird using my American one. My dad would occasionally tease my sister and I when he would overhear us speaking in our American accents to our friends, and imitate a valley girl, like, oh my gawd, like, RILLY? It used to bug me so much that he couldn’t just leave me to be myself, when I wondered: what does that even mean? Why can’t I be myself? Why can’t I use my ‘British accent’ in public? The only reason I could come up with, was that I wanted to blend in more, become more Americanized.

So when I got to college, I didn’t talk for the first few days. College was the fresh, new start I needed. I just wasn’t able to talk at first, because using the British accent felt like I was standing naked on a busy street, but speaking in an American accent felt like I was eating a block of butter, smearing it all over my face and dripping gobs of fraudulence.

H’okay. Four hours later, I return to this gloop of a mess to find that I have failed to press the *publish* button. Fail.